TWO EDUCATED BUMS

A deserted public park. Early morning. Two homeless middle-aged men. Enter the first man, RICHARD; he rubs his unshaven face and looks around, stretches. The second man, CHARLES, enters. They look at one another.

RICHARD: Hail, your Scruffiness.

CHARLES: Hail.

RICHARD: Did you sleep well?

CHARLES: My back’s a bit stiff.

RICHARD: So’s mine. [pause] And what brings you abroad this morning, Chief Executive?

CHARLES: A matter of some urgency.

RICHARD: And what might that be?

CHARLES: It’s a top corporate secret, my good man. Yes, an executive secret — for the time being, as Julius Caesar was fond of saying.

RICHARD: May one have a tiny tidbit of information pertaining to this matter?

CHARLES: All in good time, all in the goodness of time, as Abraham Lincoln was fond of saying.

RICHARD: So he was, wasn’t he . . .

CHARLES: I have a letter from the vice-president in charge of public relations.

RICHARD: May I see it?

CHARLES: I burned it.

RICHARD: What does he say?

CHARLES: He’s coming for our high-level meeting.

RICHARD: How grand. When?

CHARLES: Soon I imagine.

RICHARD: You mean he didn’t say when exactly?

CHARLES: Not exactly. You know the VP. Likes to be vague. Doesn’t like definite commitments.

RICHARD: Right. Nothing too definite.

CHARLES: That’s his style.

RICHARD: Takes after his father.

CHARLES: In many ways, yes.

RICHARD: Where shall we dine today, Chief?

CHARLES: I’ve been considering a new venue for lunch.

RICHARD: Good, but what about breakfast. I passed a few choice spots on the way to corporate headquarters today.

CHARLES: Did you? Well, let’s not be too hasty. Breakfast is an optional meal.

RICHARD: Yes, mon capitaine, for you it’s optonal. For me it’s de riguer.

CHARLES: ‘Tis a mere gluttonous indulgence, in my view. But if you must glut yourself–

RICHARD: I must.

CHARLES: Then do it with my blessing . . . and with gusto.

RICHARD: I intend to, whenever the occasion presents itself.

CHARLES: Well then, I suppose we must have a wee nosh to keep up our strength for today’s meeting.

RICHARD: That’s the spirit. I can’t function without a good tuck in.

CHARLES: Please remind me again, what is it you do?

RICHARD: Take notes, write letters, manage your agenda . . .

CHARLES: Oh, yes, my agenda. I anticipate a busy one today.

RICHARD: Will anyone be joining us?

CHARLES: Not for breakfast. But there will most likely be a few petitioners, visiting executives, international bankers, corporate dignitaries, sycophants, and the like at our mid-day repast. I am expecting the vice president in charge of international marketing.

RICHARD: Do you think the VP will be joining us then?

CHARLES: Could be. You never can tell with the VP. You know his way. Rather imagines himself a head honcho. And he will be – one day, in his own company. But he’s on his way to our meeting and likely to pop up at any moment. But I’d like to let you in on something of the greatest importance prior to that event.

RICHARD: And what might that be, Chief?

CHARLES: It’s about the VP.

RICHARD:  What about him?

CHARLES: Well, to be honest, and if I can’t be honest with you, then who can I trust?

RICHARD: Exactly.

CHARLES: To be honest, I know he’s not absolutely content to be the VP.

RICHARD: Not happy playing second fiddle?

CHARLES: Not absolutely. Wants to be numero uno. Is just waiting for his opportunity to oust me on my ass, as it were.

RICHARD: Quite.

CHARLES: So something must be done to checkmate him.

RICHARD: A little game, you mean? A clever ruse?

CHARLES: And you’re just the man.

RICHARD: Yes, I am, aren’t I?

CHARLES: Indubitably.

RICHARD: What did you have in mind?

CHARLES: I was hoping you might assist me in the process. After all, you are the creative type.

RICHARD: Indubitably. We could tell him that the corporation is bankrupt.

CHARLES: He wouldn´t believe that. He would ask to see the books.

RICHARD: We could cook the books.

CHARLES: We cooked the books last week. We had nothing else to eat.

RICHARD: You´re right. I forgot about that. Mmm, let me see. Let´s form a phony company and tell him he can be the Chief Executive Officer.

CHARLES: That’s a splendid idea. What sort of company?

RICHARD: How about an import-export business. That way we could send him to someplace in South America and get him out of the way for a while. In the meantime we will move our operation to another city and when he comes back he won´t be able to find us.

CHARLES: That´s brilliant. I’m getting tired of this dump anyway. It would be nice to go far away, someplace by the ocean. Let´s run it by the board at today´s meeting.

RICHARD: But, as you said, the VP might show up for this meeting.

CHARLES: Let´s tell him it´s been rescheduled. So that it will give us more time to make the arrangements.

RICHARD: Excellent.

CHARLES: Okay. Put it into action immediately.

RICHARD: You would authorize that, wouldn’t you?

CHARLES: What do you mean? It sounds like a good idea to me.

RICHARD: You’d trick your own son. You’d do anything to hold on to power. You’re ruthless and, may I add, morally despicable.

CHARLES: How dare you speak to me that way. You’ve been my closest confidant ever since we started this company. And you profited quite nicely, haven´t you? You never complained about your increase in salary and yearly bonuses.

RICHARD: Well, you’re right about that. But ever since we´ve moved out into the open I had a change of heart. Maybe it’s all the fresh air. Maybe it’s seeing people suffer. You might say I’ve discovered I have a heart. I used to think the way you do, every man for himself, greed is the way of the world, grab what you can, make as much money as possble because money is power.

CHARLES: I can´t believe you’re talking this way. I’m shocked that you’ve suddenly and unexpectedly become a man of principles. Isn´t it a little late for that?

RICHARD: Better late than never, as the Buddha said. When I woke up this morning I knew something in me had changed, and I no longer look at the world the same way. And as for you, the world would be better off with one less greedy coorporate executive.

CHARLES: Hah! Do you really think one greedy corporate executive more or less would really matter?

RICHARD: Possibly. Should we find out?

CHARLES: What are you getting at?

RICHARD: We could try it – get rid of you and see what happens.

CHARLES: You can’t be serious.

RICHARD: Can’t I?

CHARLES: Now wait just one minute, Richard. I’m still in charge here.

RICHARD: Like hell you are. You once owned me, body and soul. But out here in the open I’m a free man. Poverty has made me re-evaluate everything I used to hold sacred.

CHARLES: We have no time for soul-searching. Got a lot on the agenda this AM. The company must come first, as always.

RICHARD: Wake up, Charles. There is no company. It’s all an illusion. The company went belly up three years ago. You were tried for embezzlement and acquitted. We were both out of work for a year. You lived on your savings. My savings ran out after a month. Then my wife suported me while I looked for a decent job. Then my wife lost her job. I painted houses for cash in the summer. Then I worked in the hotel casino, then the casino kitchen. Then I was out of work for two years. Lived on unemployment. Then my wife got fed up, threw me out and divorced me. That’s when I came here.

CHARLES: And my wife?

RICHARD: Married someone else.

CHARLES: My son?

RICHARD: Suicide.

[CHARLES has taken a steak knife out of of his pocket and holds it out in front of him as if  about to thrust it into his heart.]

CHARLES: Is this a dagger I see before me?

RICHARD: [snatching away the knife] Now stop that, Charles. That won’t do. Lying across the railroad tracks would work much better.

CHARLES: Railroad tracks? Haven’t seen any around here, have you?

RICHARD: Nope. But there’s an Amtrak line along the shore. The express runs once a day to DC.

CHARLES: That would be perfect. Do you know the schedule?

RICHARD: Nope.

CHARLES: Well, I can’t see myself going that way.

RICHARD: No, not that way.

[pause. 

CHARLES: Things look really bleak, don’t they? I’ve never been this bad off. Never. I’ve worked all my life, ever since I was a boy.

RICHARD: Me too. My first job was delivering newspapers.

CHARLES: I worked as a caddy at the country club every summer.

RICHARD: Our lives have certainly taken a dramatic turn, haven’t they?

CHARLES: They certainly have. [pause] What’ll we do?

RICHARD: Don’t know. [medium long pause] Something will turn up.

CHARLES: Yes, something’s bound to turn up.

[long pause]

CHARLES: What time is the board meeting today?

RICHARD: Eleven.

CHARLES: Did you make arrangements to have lunch served in the board room?

RICHARD: Of course. Prime rib and baked potatoes. Caesar salad. For wine, a choice of Zinfandel or Cabernet Sauvignon. Apple pie and ice cream.

CHARLES: From Francesco’s?

RICHARD: Of course.

CHARLES: Only the best.

RICHARD: Nothing less will do.

CHARLES: Exactly.

[The two men mime sitting down and enjoying a feast.

CHARLES: What a meal! Excellent prime rib.

RICHARD: Very tender.

[long pause.

CHARLES: Did you get a firm commitment from our French distributor?

RICHARD: He’s ninety-five percent there.

CHARLES: What will it take to close the other five percent?

RICHARD: Not sure. We need to come up with something to sweeten the deal.

CHARLES: I’m sure you’ll think of something.

RICHARD: Indubitably.

CHARLES: You’re solid, Richard. I can always count on you.

RICHARD: Everything always looks better on a full stomach.

CHARLES: It certainly does.

The two men regard one another across the “table,” smiles of contentment on their faces, as the lights come down to BLACKOUT.

Copyright 2012 by Anthony S. Maulucci