THE HEIST

BRIEF SYNOPSIS: A young couple shows up unexpectedly at a friend’s house with a bag of  jewelry they have stolen – or have they?

SETTING: An apartment in the city

CHARACTERS: 2 men and 1 woman in their late 20s

ALFRED & KRISTI, a couple

JEREMY, their friend

SCENE: Lights up on an apartment interior. JEREMY is seated in an arm chair, reading a book. Loud knocking. JEREMY gets up, goes off stage right, opens front door. ALFRED and KRISTI enter quickly, out of breath. JEREMY follows. ALFRED is carrying a small sack, which he drops on the sofa.

JEREMY: Hey, guys. What’s going on?

KRISTI: We need a place to hide out.

JEREMY: Hide out from what?

KRISTI: From the police. Just in case somebody called them.

ALFRED: Which I’m sure they didn’t.

JEREMY: What did you do, rob a bank?

ALFRED: Not exactly, Jer. We stole some stuff.

JEREMY: What kind of stuff?

ALFRED: A few trinkets.

KRISTI: Geegaws.

ALFRED: Bijoux.

JEREMY: Jewelry? You stole jewelry? Yeah, right.

ALFRED: Right.

KRISTI: Yeah, right.

JEREMY: [incredulous and playing along] Just like Bonnie and Clyde, huh?

ALFRED: That’s right. And now we’re thirsty.

KRISTI: Yeah, robbery gives you a great thirst.

JEREMY: How about a coupla beers?

ALFRED: Sounds good.

JEREMY exits stage left. ALFRED and KRISTI sit on the sofa side by side and look at the stuff in the sack. JEREMY enters with the beer.

JEREMY: [still incredulous and playing along as he hands round the bottles of beer] So what was it, a smash-and-grab?

ALFRED: Not exactly. We’ve got more style than that.

KRISTI: More like Angelina and Brad.

ALFRED: [laughing and starting to relax] It was sweet.

JEREMY:  Do tell.

ALFRED: Well, we’ve been planning it for a while, and –

KRISTI: Let me tell it, Alf.

ALFRED: Okay, Kris. You tell it. [Takes a swig from his bottle of beer]

KRISTI: First, we “cased the joint,” as they say, for about a month.

JEREMY: Of course. I’d expect no less from a couple of pros.

KRISTI: Are you being facetious?

JEREMY: Please continue.

KRISTI: Well, we went in about once a week looking at engagement rings.

JEREMY: Are you guys getting married?

ALFRED: Shut up, Jeremy. Just listen, will ya?

JEREMY: Sorry.

KRISTI: As I was saying, we went in about once a week, pretending to be looking for an engagement ring. And I didn’t like anything I saw. I was pretending to be really hard to please.

ALFRED: Which didn’t take much pretending.

KRISTI: [laughs] True. I have very high standards, as you both know. In any case, they had some really fine stones, but I put on this act, you know, like none of them was good enough for me, like I was a real stuck-up bitch who had to have the best diamond money could buy, money being no impediment, you see.

JEREMY: I get the picture.

KRISTI: Good. Well, we went in week after week like I said and we always had the same sales clerk. We got to know him pretty well, you see, on account of we refused to be served by anybody else.

ALFRED: [beaming] That was Kristi’s idea. Pretty sharp. huh?

JEREMY: Yup, pretty damn sharp. I’ve got to hand it to you, Kristi, you are one sharp operator.

KRISTI: I don’t like your tone. You’re being facetious again.

JEREMY: Sorry. Please tell me the rest.

KRISTI: [sulkily] No. I won’t say another word.

ALFRED: Ah, c’mon, honey. Jeremy didn’t mean anything.

KRISTI: The hell he didn’t. He’s never thought I was very smart.

ALFRED: Okay, then, I’ll tell it.

KRISTI: If you do then I’m leaving. [gets up, grabs the sack and starts to exit]

ALFRED: Hey! Where are you going with the loot, honey?

KRISTI: I’ll find another place to lay low.

ALFRED: [getting up quickly and grabbing hold of the sack] Not with this you don’t.

KRISTI: I have as much right to it as you do. Maybe more. I was the one who got Mitch to play along, wasn’t I?

JEREMY: Who’s Mitch?

ALFRED: [still holding onto the sack] Maybe so, but I took plenty of risks at my end, so we split it 50-50, right here and now, and then you can go wherever you like.

[ALFRED and KRISTI both pull at the sack and the contents fall to the floor. All three stand staring down at the jewels for a beat.

JEREMY: My God, you really did steal some jewels.

[ALFRED and KRISTI ignore JEREMY as they divide up the “loot”and put it into their pockets. JEREMY paces in agitation and drinks his beer.

ALFRED: Okay, that should settle it.

KRISTI: I think you got a little more than I did, sweetie.

ALFRED: I think you’re wrong about that. It was fair, fair and square. Do you want to do it again?

KRISTI: Yeah. Show me what you’ve got.

ALFRED: You mean you don’t trust me? You really don’t trust me? Tell me you don’t trust me. Just tell me straight out that you don’t trust me and we’ll do it over again.

KRISTI: I don’t trust you.

ALFRED: I can’t believe it. After all we’ve been through. I just can’t believe it.

JEREMY: Uh, guys, I hate to interrupt but I think you should leave right away, before the police find you.

ALFRED: Why should they find us here? Why would they look for us here, in this particular neighborhood, at this particular address?

JEREMY: I don’t know, but someone might have spotted you coming in.

ALFRED: So? What of it? We weren’t followed. We got away clean.

JEREMY: How can you be sure?

ALFRED: I’m sure.

JEREMY: Well, I’m not. And I’m just not comfortable with this whole situation, Alf.  Please try to understand.

KRISTI: He’s not comfortable, so let’s go. Let’s get the hell out of here. I didn’t want to come here in the first place, and I sure as hell don’t want to stay of he’s not comfortable.

ALFRED: Where are we going to go?

KRISTI: I dunno, but I want to go somewhere else.

JEREMY: I’d appreciate it. I really don’t want to get mixed up in this and, like I said, someone may have seen you coming in.

ALFRED: Okay, we’ll go, but I think we should wait until it’s dark.

KRISTI: It is dark.

ALFRED: Not dark enough.

JEREMY: How dark does it have to be? What, do you want the city to turn off the street lights?

ALFRED: Could you arrange that?

JEREMY: [facetiously] Yeah, sure, just let me make a phone all.

ALFRED: Ha ha. Well, then we’ll need to change our clothes.

JEREMY: Are you serious?

ALFRED: Do you have something I could wear? An old jacket maybe or a sweatshirt with a hood.

JEREMY: I guess you’re serious. Okay, fine, I find you something.

KRISTI: What about me?

ALFRED: Yeah, what about her?

JEREMY: Okay, I’ll find something for her too. Something girlie that one of my girlfriends left here. [He exits, stage left]

KRISTI: Jeremy’s turned into a jerk.

ALFRED: He’s really okay. Don’t sweat it.

KRISTI:  I’m sorry, Alf.

ALFRED: Yeah, well . . .

KRISTI: I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. I know you’d never try to cheat me.

[They embrace, kiss, get sexually excited.

KRISTI: I wonder what’s taking Jeremy so long?

ALFRED: Yeah, I don’t like this. Maybe he’s calling the cops.

KRISTI: You think he’d do that?

ALFRED: [with a chuckle] I wouldn’t put it past him.

[They kiss again.

ALFRED: I never thought playing the part of a jewel thief could get me so excited.

KRISTI: Me neither. It beats staying home and watching a movie.

ALFRED: Yup. C’mon. Let’s get outta here.

KRISTI: Where are we going?

ALFRED: To the nearest hotel.

[They exit stage right in a hurry, slamming the front door closed as JEREMY enters with an armful of old clothes.

JEREMY: Here you go, guys. [looks around] Guys? They’re gone. Gone for good, I hope. That’s a relief. [shrugs] Well, I might as well take these to Goodwill. [drops the old clothes in a pile on the floor] First thing tomorrow. But right now I think I’ll have a good strong drink.

[JEREMY exits stage left. Lights come down to BLACKOUT.